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​​​BECAUSE WE COULD ALL USE
A LITTLE WISDOM

Quarantine: A Break from My Inner Competitor

5/25/2020

5 Comments

 
PictureRemember crowds? Here's one at Disneyland in 2019. Coping with my inner competitor was a workout!
American deaths due to Covid-19 have now reached 100,000. It’s a staggering toll.

My region in Northern California has seen a significant decrease in cases, fortunately. In my family, we have been doing what we can to slow the spread, while starting to emerge a bit more from our homes. When we go out, we think ahead and take precautions, wearing masks, gloves at times, and keeping our distance. We allow extra time for the new rules being put in place, much like the new security rules after 9/11. 
 
Yesterday was our first time visiting a local historical site’s gardens since the virus hit, and offers a case in point. We had to make an advance reservation, not necessary in the past. We also learned new protocols about standing in marked boxes to wait our turn, checking in at a distance from the staff, keeping our masks on outdoors on a hot day, staggering our journey to wait for others to pass, and adhering to one-way paths marked with arrows on the ground. 
 
Going out again reminded me of a very odd fact: The reasons to be locked down are deadly serious; but if you are fortunate enough not to be ill or in dire need, you may discover that a break from the usual running, doing, and competing with others can be beneficial. 
 
Typically, my family is constantly moving, and where I live, that means constantly driving through constant traffic. Usually, each kid has her own school schedule (different schools), social engagements, sports, and classes; each adult has many hours of work alongside other commitments, including volunteering, family gatherings, and performing arts events. It’s an exhausting existence that we have chosen. We were privileged to have it, but now, we’re privileged to not have it, because we can re-examine our attitudes to busy-ness generally and to dealing with crowds of people. 
 
(We’re also fortunate to be together during the lockdown as a family, and to still have jobs so that we can continue to pay our bills; I know that’s not a given.)
 
I am surprised to say that once I accepted the lockdown was happening, I didn’t miss events such as big concerts or in-person conferences that much. Mainly, I didn’t miss the anxiety that goes with confronting crowds, and the feeling I have to compete with others for access or for resources (think parking, seating, food, restrooms!).
 
I’d like to leave that feeling behind entirely. But for me, it’s a challenge. I still notice that my stomach tightens when I am faced with a big crowd. I’m not good at waiting in line; I’m too apt to compare my line to the next one over, and ask, “why is that one so much faster and better!?!” 
 
I had a great opportunity to confront this anxiety during my family’s last-gasp-of-summer mini vacation in 2019: A trip to Disneyland. Despite a number of frustrating moments, I worked hard on calming the inner competitor who kept stressing about lines and wait times for rides or food. That was NOT easy. In fact, my two daughters often were more patient and calm about waiting in long lines than I was! They were good at not fuming about "how long have we been in this line now??" I was impressed.

In fact, coping with other people’s behavior, and taming my emotional instincts to get angry, frustrated, or disappointed, have been major focal points of my Stoic practice. I’ve learned over the years to pay less attention to others’ comments, behaviors, and comparisons between myself and everyone else—and to take those things less personally. But I still find myself beginning to boil over when people around me don’t follow the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you!) or act self-centered. 
 
As Epictetus would advise me, I have to take the time to question my impressions when it comes to coping with groups of people, crowds, traffic, and any situation that pits me against a bunch of others. I often harken back to the reminders from Marcus Aurelius about dealing with people who display “ignorance of what is good and evil” in their behaviors and attitudes. (Meditations, Book 2) Despite others’ less-than-perfect actions, we still need to work with them. After all, as Marcus points out, we are social beings living in a cooperative world.
 
For example: Why do I care about getting served at the restaurant in the exact order in which I arrived (rather than after someone else who came later than me)? Is it due to my sense of fairness? If so, Stoic thinking would tell me that I can’t guarantee others will act fairly. Is it because of a feeling that if I don’t get my food, I’ll be uncomfortable and hungry? That I will feel disrespected, even, as others are put before me? All of these things pop into my mind. 
 
And why should these things matter? I can remind myself that they do not, really, unless I choose to let them matter. It’s not in my power to force others’ respect or fairness towards me, only to carry out respect and fairness myself. In other words: I can only work to live by the virtues on my end. And do my best to stay calm and cool when others don’t or can’t follow the same virtues. 
 
I believe this approach can help as we re-integrate into a more anxious and unpredictable world now that the quarantine restrictions are starting to ease up. This is, for me, still a work in progress. I hope that this break from so much interaction will help me gain a more profound sense of inner tranquility that comes from fewer perceived conflicts and competition. 

5 Comments
Ahmie
6/6/2020 08:26:50 pm

Regarding the restaurant stress issue when people who arrived/ordered after you are served before you are, perhaps my way of framing it might be helpful to you: maybe they ordered something that the resources to prepare were not in as high demand, and/or there were fewer people dining together, so the servers were able to get their order out to clear way for more people to be served more efficiently than going in order would have been.

I have been wishing that companies who are now getting inundated with site-to-store orders (such as JoAnn Fabrics) would utilize a more efficient system of grouping the items being ordered instead of going in order of arrival of orders. It may be in some sense more "fair" to customers to have a bunch of fabric cut for another customer done before moving on to my order of some items that just need to be grabbed off the shelf, but it is less fair to the time & energy of the employees which would be better utilized if the items needing pulled to the front were grouped by type (to be distributed into bags per order behind the counter) so they could be dealt with via fewer trips to various parts of the store instead, and one employee could then wear some kind of marking to indicate that they're cutting fabric for online orders to do them in a large batch without having to worry about annoying the in-store customers who are waiting to get their fabric cut. It would probably result in everyone getting their purchases faster and with less frustration. Instead I have observed & heard about some truly attrocious customer behavior and the employees are extremely stressed out. I try to bring them some treats to honor their humanity when I can, because that is within my control and a way I was informed they appreciate being appreciated (one of my dearest friends used to work at the Joann Fabrics closest to my home & is still friends with a lot of the people who currently work there). It is within my control to bring more kindness to the world when I venture out into it, so I focus on doing that whenever possible, and deepen my gratitude that no one in my home was considered "essential employees" while we have also not suffered a loss of income through this. We are so very lucky.

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The Stoic Mom
6/8/2020 06:21:55 pm

Thanks for offering your perspective on this! It is an excellent idea to focus on one's own gratitude and on what we can control in these kinds of situations. Showing appreciation to the staff that help us is something we can all do more, especially as people on the front lines of customer service face added risks during the pandemic. I also agree that it is smart to consider the specific resources we are competing for when we're in public places, and how some are in higher or lower demand. This has a big impact on what we can reasonably expect at restaurants and stores. For me, much of Stoicism is about regaining a broader perspective, rather than focusing on one's "problems" from a personal point of view... and your comments underline that approach.

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Ahmie
1/4/2021 12:32:50 pm

Came to check on your website to see what you've had to say in the ensuing months and this is still the most recent post. I hope you are still doing okay. I value your writing.

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Mirco
6/14/2020 01:09:22 am

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences about your anxieties and angers about other people's behavior because I deal with the same issues. I am deeply impressed that you went to Disneyland and I like your term of "the inner competitor" very much.

Best regards from Germany

Mirco

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Ahmie
1/4/2021 12:38:05 pm

I just commented that I was concerned that this seemed to be your most recent post, then went & found your Twitter feed which has links to more recent ones. Your website's archive in the right hand column threw me off since it doesn't list anything more recent than May 2020 (plus I'm distracted on my end by my 5 children - the 4-year-old REALLY wants to go play outside where it is barely above freezing and quite wet). Glad to see you're still writing and seem well. Now following you on Twitter as well.

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    About The Stoic Mom

    I'm a writer, editor, and mom to two daughters in Northern California on a journey to discover how Stoic philosophy and mindful approaches can change a parent's - or any person's - life.
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